Friday, January 27, 2012

Regain your Breath

Ever had the wind knocked out of you? 
Source here
I am going to guess that the answer to that one is probably yes. It might have been the physical wind knocked out of your lungs... Like when you, as a 2nd grader, thought that jumping from the low bar to the high bar on the jungle gym at recess was a brilliant idea. Next thing you know, you are flat on your back on the ground, staring at the sky gasping for breath. 

(That's a totally hypothetical situation of course. I certainly never did that. Completely made up.) 

Or maybe your breath was taken away when you received some sad news about a friend or a relative. Perhaps the wind was whooshed away when your beloved proposed marriage to you. 

There are a million different possibilities. For me, specifically as an army wife, the wind-knockage experience will typically come from my husband either in person, on the phone or via text. 

It usually starts with the phrase "So, I've got some news..." 

Let me tell you something, readers, falling off the jungle gym or getting bucked off a horse can't compare to the "Hey-baby-got-some-news" army marriage wind-knocking conversations. Because whenever I get in that situation, I am trying not to panic while I keep my breath, fight back tears, AND not to throw up all at the same time. (Fortunately, ALL of those don't usually happen.  Not because I am a pro at keeping it together, but because it would  be a mess. And if I am dealing with profound breath-takingly uncertain conversations, I don't have time to clean it up.)

When you love someone as deeply as I love Brandon, it is hard to get "news." I am so thankful that news coming from first from Iraq and now here at Fort Benning hasn't resulted in reporting any injuries or catastrophically terrifying information. (Thank you, Jesus!)   

Instead, this "news" usually revolves around changing schedules. And time apart. So forgive me if you think it sounds a little melodramatic. But hey, I love the man, I love spending time with him and he is kinda my best friend. Plus, I am a planner, so when I get the "first news" I process it, pray and prepare. When the "news" changes, I have to do it again. It's exhausting. 

Now, don't get me wrong, I am a "strong, independent woman." (My Mama's words, not mine.) But when the Holy Spirit gets ahold of me, coupled with an awesome husband who's job takes him away on a semi-random yet regular basis, I become much more vulnerable. Which means I cry more. Which I hate. SIGH. 

I had one of those wind-removing moments yesterday afternoon. The past few weeks, I have been preparing my head/heart for Brandon to go to Ranger school. In a nutshell, it's a two month (ish) long training where he doesn't come home at night and communication is minimal. He was planning on attending pre-ranger school, which according to our calculations, started February 16th. 

Apparently, our math skills stink and our calculations were incorrect.  I received a text yesterday saying that it started on the 10th. Yeah, in like 14 days. Dear Lord. Cue living room breath-leaving-the-lung moment. (To you non-military spouses, six days might seem like peanuts... and I suppose big picture, it kind of is... but it's still hard to be like "Yay honey, we are going to be apart even longer!") 

If I am being completely honest, I have to say that yes, being apart is difficult... but the changing schedules and unknown of "Will he pass? Will he get recycled? How long will this take? etc" is almost overwhelming. 

But it's only overwhelming if I let it be. No, I was certainly not thrilled with this new information. My fleshly side of me, as I was trying to stay composed (and briefly failing) wanted to just jump off the deep end right there. I wanted to get down in my living room floor and throw a tantrum. Sobbing, snotty, kicking and screaming. Very adult. Real professional. 

Somehow I refrained. I'm not gonna lie, I did have a few tears... But I immediately engaged my newest army wife mantra. As I took deep breaths to restore my composure, I started saying out loud, "I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus. I trust you, Jesus."

It worked. I was able to breath again. And even managed to blog about this. Good work, Jesus. Very impressive. 

We won't always understand WHY things happen in this world, whether they are small-scale like 6 extra days of Ranger school/spouse mandatory separation or life changing-scale level like dealing with cancer of a family member. But we can trust the unknown to a known God. 

Trust all things to Jesus. He didn't promise that this life on Earth would be easy. But He does vow that trusting Him is worth it. Let Him restore your composure. Allow Him to be the air you breathe. Ask Him to help you regain your breath. 


"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else." Acts 17:25

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