Apparently it's "Sharita-needs-to-confess-random-things-on-her-blog" week.
That being said, guess what? I have (another) confession. I like to have control. There. I said it. Be in charge, drive the boat, run the show, whatever you wanna call it, I like it. Rephrase: I thrive on it. I might even admit I-gotta-have-it. (Now that just reminds me of Cold Stone's ice cream size choices. Random.)
This discovery was brought to a very profound point a week ago at CCC Women's retreat (have you noticed it was apparently kind of a big deal in my life?) Last Saturday night, Mama Carol spoke about "Totally Surrender" when it comes to God. Naively, I thought I was... but as I examined my heart, it was clear that I thought wrong.
My husband always asks me why I "worry" so much. His favorite line with me is from Matthew 6:27-- "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" I denied that I was a worrier-- It had to be something else. Why would I "worry" about things I couldn't control like the army, family, location, babies etc... Well, God revealed to me during the retreat (through all of the speakers, but especially Mama Carol) that yes, I was a worrier.
That "worry" was rooted in lack of complete and total trust in the Lord. And I didn't fully trust Him because I wanted to rely on myself and my own strength, which I know as well as anyone else fails on a regular basis. Carol said it best when she said "If you don't think something is strong enough, you aren't going to lean on it." Gulp. Could that really be me? I worry because I don't trust because I like having "control?"
Enter stage left: Ton of bricks. OUCH! Needless to say, many tears were in order at that point (don't worry-- they were good Holy Spirit tears... He was working on my heart in such a sweet way!) I went outside for evening solo processing quiet time... As I was sobbing in the dark by the lake, I used my cell phone as a flashlight to write furiously and desperately in the last few pages of my journal (It was no coincidence that my journal was finished the final day of retreat and I was able to start a new one last Monday as I moved forward with a transformed heart.)
I went back inside for our group processing time and decided to read from my journal what I just scribbled down. Throughout my self-plea/prayer combination, I had written LET IT GO!!! multiple times in all capital letters. I continued to read my plea/prayer out loud to my table-- suddenly I reached the middle of my entry and noticed a "typo."
But it wasn't just an accidental "Ok-I-am-crying-and-writing-this-in-the-dark" typo. It was directly from God. Of this I have NO doubt.
I had attempted to write "LET IT GO!" but instead my "typo" came out "LET IT GOD!" Yeah, that was no accident.
God didn't want 95% of myself. He wanted it ALL. Complete, total, utter, drop-to-your-knees-turn-every-thought-trust-Him-fully SURRENDER. I was still clinging to my own power. But at that moment, I gave it up. It was time to LET IT GOD.
I have since been praying for God to allow me to completely surrender to Him. In His endless love for me, He made me a strong-willed person, so I knew he wasn't going to just wave a magic wand and say "TA-DA! There ya go, Sharita. Complete surrender. Wish granted."
Instead, He has already presented many opportunities to surrender to His will and let go of my desperate need to control. Every time one of those worrisome thoughts mentioned earlier (health, army, babies) would creep into my head, He gave me the power to give it back to Him. "It's all you, man. Take this God. You got this. I gotta LET IT GOD."
He worked a surrendering miracle on Thursday night in my living room during a "discussion" that my husband and I were having. We decided to pray, holding each other and asking God to help us from being selfish and stubborn, to surrender to Him. It was absolutely amazing. The moment that my heart sincerely uttered those words, the feeling of hurt, selfishness and frustration was LIFTED off of my heart IMMEDIATELY. I just had to LET IT GOD.
Are there things in your life today that you are clinging to? Do you desire control? Trust in the Lord-- for He is STRONG enough, WORTHY enough and ALL-KNOWING enough to deal with your worries, troubles and struggles. He knows more about them and cares even more about them than you do. Think about it my friend-- is it time that you gave 100% away and LET IT GOD?
Surrendering it All,
"In God, whose word I praise, in the LORD, whose word I praise— in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" --Psalm 56:10-11